You Have To Say It
by CecilyOctavia
Summary: Naruto feels abandoned by his friends, and after Jiraiya's death, his heart finally breaks. You have to tell someone how you feel to let them know you care.
1. Chapter 1

Naruto was sitting on his swing. Head down, shoulders slumped, and hands shaking, he looked at the ground in defeat.

He was alone.

"No one is left who cares", he thought to himself as his heart sank into his stomach.

His head ached and his stomach lurched as he felt an intense feeling of abandonment. This was worse than just loneliness. He could deal with that. He had lived much of his early life feeling lonely.

But this feeling of losing every friend he'd ever known was terrible. An overwhelming sick feeling swirled through his head, heart, and limbs, overwhelming and agonizing. His whole body felt weak. He took a deep breath, but began choking as he swallowed too much air. His frame shook violently as he coughed, and when he recovered, his stomach finally gave in. He fell to the ground and puked.

Painful tears filled his eyes as he felt the acid in his throat and nostrils, and when he finally finished throwing up, he gave into his emotion. Heart-rending, anguished cries from a broken heart filled the empty space around him.

Sobbing alone in the darkness and cool evening air, Naruto felt the ache of someone who has given up on life completely.


	2. Chapter 2

Sakura ran down the streets of Konoha toward Naruto's apartment.

Once she got to the complex she ran up the stairs and knocked on his door. He didn't answer. She opened the unlocked door believing he probably just wasn't answering, but upon viewing his empty room, she left to search for him again.

Only an hour before, the Hokage had given Naruto the news of Jiraiya's death, and Sakura had watched with concern as she read the emotion Naruto's face betrayed.

Head down, he had listened to the story of his sensei's bravery. When the Toad and Hokage finished speaking, he looked up, pain and anger blended together in his brow.

"Did you let him go, Granny?"

Tsunade's eyes closed, betraying the hurt she felt at Naruto's question. When she opened them again, the boy she loved as dearly as her own brother was looking up at her with angry eyes.

"That's right." She said in answer to his question.

"Why did you allow such a reckless thing?!" Naruto asked, his voice breaking with anger and hurt.

"You knew him better than anyone! How could you send him to such a dangerous place alone?!"

Sakura looked nervously at her sensei. She loved Naruto, but she knew it wasn't the hokage's fault. Thankfully, Kakashi placed a hand in front of her blonde comrade, keeping him from saying anymore hurtful words.

"Enough Naruto! You of all people ought to know Lady Hokage's feelings for Jiraiya" Kakashi warned.

There was a brief pause as the blonde stopped to think. "Damn it!" he said, his voice cracking, as he turned to walk out of the room.

"Naruto! Where are you going?!" Sakura questioned worriedly. She knew Naruto fairly well by now and this reaction from her friend was not good.

Without turning around, Naruto's voice shook with pain as he said "If Pervy Sage had been the 5th Hokage, he wouldn't have let Granny Tsunade take such risks… never."

"Naruto!" Sakura protested.

"Sakura. Let him be." Tsunade cautioned her.

Sakura knew Naruto needed space, but she worried for him. He had been going through a lot lately, and had not opened up to her.

Actually, to be perfectly honest, Sakura thought to herself, Naruto had never really opened up to her. He always held everything inside. But then so did she.

Despite this, she had learned a lot about his character anyway. His face often gave away his emotions, which was why Sakura could tell Naruto's mind was not in a good place now, and she feared what might happen if he was alone too long.

As Kakashi and the Toad Sage friend of Jiraiya's talked, Sakura looked at the door, not hearing the conversation. She desperately wanted to follow her friend and comfort him, but she knew he needed a little time to think. Besides, the Hokage had ordered him to leave him be, so she decided she'd find him and talk later.

Looking out the window, she saw his tall, thin figure in bright orange and black walking slowly away from the building in the sunset. Her heart ached as she thought to herself "Remember I care about you, Naruto."


	3. Chapter 3

Naruto got up from the spot where he had collapsed next to his favorite swing. He stood on shaky legs and began walking back to his apartment. His heart ached, and he didn't even try to fight the depression as sad thoughts he had repressed for years floated to the surface of his mind.

His sensei had died. He left without even goodbye. He felt angry and heartbroken all at once. Why did Jiraiya have to leave and try to be the hero? Why didn't he take his student with him? Didn't he say that Naruto had gotten strong during their time together? Words and images of his Pervy sensei played through his mind as he walked up the stairs at his apartment complex.

Walking through the door and into his apartment, he shuffled into the bathroom, looking over at the toilet. His stomach still reflected the unsettled and upset feelings which swirled around in his head and chest. Turning away, he grabbed his toothbrush. He'd spilled all his guts by the swing, so any throwing up now would just be a dry heave.

Putting paste on the brush, he looked down to avoid seeing his face in the mirror. He just couldn't deal with seeing himself right now for some reason.

As he swished the toothbrush around his teeth, thoughts like he'd had at the swing began flowing again. He almost choked on the frothy paste in his mouth as hurtful memories rose to his consciousness. He was thinking about Kakashi.

The jounin ninja had been the blonde's sensei for over four and a half years now, but he was always so distant. Naruto worked so hard as a kid to please him, but nothing he did seemed to satisfy him; nothing made a difference.

"Kaka- Sensei was always preoccupied with teaching Sasuke" Naruto thought bitterly.

It seemed like the raven-haired Uchiha was always the favorite with Kakashi. The one with talents and skills his sensei wanted to help develop, while Naruto and Sakura fell into the background, ignored. Thankfully Granny Tsunade had taken Sakura under her wing, and Naruto had trained under Jiraiya.

And with that he was back to thinking about the Pervy Sage.

Jiraiya was a good trainer, but for some reason, he could also be very distant. At times, he seemed to get upset about things, and he would fall into patterns of self-destructive indulgence as he left Naruto behind to visit the towns, drinking sake and attempting to seduce women.

It seemed that every time things started to really go somewhere with Naruto's relationship with his ensei, Jiraiya seemed to get upset and pull away.

The blonde looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes watered as he observed his haggard appearance. Red eyes from crying, rifled, dirty hair and face from laying in the dirt next to the tree swing, and toothbrush with paste hanging out of a limp mouth. He looked like he had been through Hell. And, in fact, Hell would be a good word for the kind of pain Naruto felt right at this moment.

"What is it about me that makes people afraid to get close?" He wondered, staring at himself helplessly. "Is there something wrong with me?"

The very first person to care about and ultimately reject Naruto was the Third Hokage. Naruto looked up to him and cared for him like a Father, but he was always too busy for the boy, and their relationship was confusing. He often checked up on Naruto, but he didn't really invest in personal time with him. The old man never knew how much that really hurt him.

Then Naruto had gone through a hard time at school. His classmates made fun of his poor skills, and he was rejected by his teacher, Iruka.

He was surprised and overjoyed when Iruka seemingly made a turnaround and expressed his support for his "hardworking student" as he saved his life from Mizuki in the forest. Naruto hoped with all his heart that Iruka would care for always care for him like that. And he did.

Iruka's heart had softened to the boy, and he treated him with affection and love. He occasionally took Naruto out for ramen, and checked up on him every now and again, always asking him about his training and adventures. He treated the boy with as much love as anyone ever had.

The problem was that Naruto's ninja work took him away from the village, and Iruka had to work hard to prepare a new generation of ninjas in his class, so the boy's hopes for a constant, deep relationship with Iruka were somewhat dashed.

That was why Naruto pinned all of his hopes his relationship with Jiraiya. He desperately ached for someone to love him unconditionally. He was looking for something like the unconditional and strong love of a good father. He needed someone to help him, and to teach him how to deal with life. He had so many questions, and life was so hard without parents.

But Jiraiya was not the best parent figure for Naruto to choose. He had past relationship issues the boy could only guess about, and sometimes those kept him from being the best sensei he could be. It's not that he was a bad sensei. He was great, but his inconsistencies could be confusing and heart breaking for the boy who really needed constant love. So once again, Naruto's dreams were dashed.

As Naruto's mind flooded with thoughts of all of these disappointments, he began to cry again. It wasn't totally out of self-pity. He genuinely ached when he thought he wouldn't see the Pervy Sage again. He loved his sensei dearly, and of all the people in the world, Jiraiya had spent the most time with him, and invested the most in his training. He always listened to Naruto, and he talked to him intimately, sharing his hopes and dreams with his blonde protégé. Jiraiya was closer with Naruto than anyone else on earth. He was his most trusted and loved friend.

Naruto stared at himself in the mirror again. He had lost his best friend.


	4. Chapter 4

In the dim light of the warm summer night sky, Sakura ran to find Kakashi.

When she came to his apartment, she knocked quickly on his door. As he opened it, she began speaking hurriedly,

"Sensei, I'm worried about Naruto. I think he's in trouble, and I can't find him. I looked for him at his apartment, in his favorite spot on the Hokage monument, and in his favorite hideout in the woods. I don't know where to look now, and I'm afraid of what he'll do. He hasn't been in good spirits lately anyway, and now with Jiraiya's death…"

Kakashi listened attentively until she stopped talking and then replied,

"I'll help you look. I've been concerned too. I think Naruto is trying to work some things out right now, and this is a really bad time for this to have happened. Thanks for coming to get me. Originally, I planned to talk with him tomorrow morning after he had some time to grieve, but if he's not at home, then we need to find him."

-

After a quick shower, Naruto left his apartment. He didn't have a destination, he just needed to walk and think.

As he walked, he passed a convenience store and decided to go in. Once inside, he picked up a popsicle. It was warm outside, so it seemed like a good choice. He paid for the bar and left the store.

As he walked down the road, he began thinking about his life. He usually tried to put a brave face on things, and tried to see everyone as his good friends, but the truth was that he really didn't have any close friends. The only close friend he had was now dead, and anyone else he'd been friends with had abandoned him.

Sasuke had left him for his quest for revenge, and the betrayal was bitter. He could almost taste the hurt, it was so painful to think about. Sakura was no better. She always only cared about Sasuke, and when he left, she asked Naruto to find him. He failed to live up to his promise to bring him back, and she would never forgive him for that.

The others from school only saw Naruto as an acquaintance. Even when he finally started to gain some acceptance from them, they still were only school buddies. Naruto couldn't tell how they really felt about him.

His head whirled, making him dizzy, so he sat on a bench next to the sidewalk. As he sat hunched, looking down at the ground, he began to cry for the second time that night. Tears fell to the ground from his eyes, mingling with the drips from the melting popsicle.

Naruto closed his eyes and began sobbing aloud, just letting the waves of his true fears and emotions finally surface and wash over him. After a few minutes, he felt a cool breeze. The wind began blowing green leaves around his face, cooling his hot cheeks.

He closed his eyes, slightly relieved, and lifted his face to feel the soft night air. As he opened his eyes, he saw a shadow in the darkness behind the street lamp's light.


	5. Chapter 5

Iruka stepped into the light of the street lamp once he saw that Naruto had noticed him.

He had come upon the end of Naruto's cry, and didn't want to interrupt the flow of emotion.

There is always a right and wrong time to comfort someone, and the line between is sometimes difficult to tell. Iruka knew Naruto well enough to understand his emotion, and that is why he held back for a few moments.

"Naruto…" he said, looking at the blonde young man.

Naruto had grown so much in the time that Iruka knew him. The time he spent with Jiraiya had been really formative, and he was proud to see the young man he loved like a brother was growing to be a really strong ninja and good person. Mentally, he thanked legendary sage for that.

Walking over to the bench, he sat down close to Naruto. In a gentle voice, he said

"I heard about Jiraiya Sensei."

Naruto looked over at him with pained eyes, and then turned his face away.

"I wanted him to keep watching over me Iruka Sensei. I wanted him to see me become Hokage. He was… I was…"

"Lord Jiraiya had only praise for you, Naruto" Iruka interrupted.

"He was always praising you. He talked about you as if you were his own grandchild. He had faith you would inherit his will, and truly believed that you would one day become a great hokage."

There was a pause, and the soft summer breeze blew again.

"Jiraiya will always watch over you" he continued. "He's watching over you this very minute. He wouldn't be happy seeing you like this, so be your usual self, the one he's praised so much…"

"He… never told me that…" Naruto responded softly. His heart ached hearing of the Pervy Sage's feelings for him. Why had he never told him? So many times, he wondered if his sensei was proud of him. He messed up so often, and had even hurt Jiraiya in training, but he'd also worked really hard. All he ever wanted was someone to love him and be proud of him.

As Naruto thought about what Iruka said Jiraiya had told him, memories of the good things in their relationship began slowly flooding back.

He smiled with tears remembering the affection Jiraiya always showed him. Some of his favorite memories were of hard training sessions, followed by sweet treats his sensei would bring when he was finished. Jiraiya would hand the smiling boy half a popsicle, keeping the other half for himself as he praised his hard work.

Naruto looked down at his popsicle. It was as if Jiraiya had put that in his hands as a message.

Smiling a little bigger, he remembered that after a hard day of training, Jiraiya would let Naruto sit back-to-back with him, letting him rest his tired body as he sucked on the cool treat. Under a tree a tree or beautiful night sky, they'd relax, neither speaking a word. It was a way for them both to feel close. And they were.

Naruto took a deep breath as he realized that Jiraiya never thought he had to say what he felt. He just showed it with his smile and the way he treated the boy.

"Iruka…" Naruto began with a shaking voice, "I don't know what to do. I lost the person who was closest to me today, and I didn't realize until just now how he truly felt about me. How can I make a friend like him again? It seems like everyone I've ever loved has left me, and I don't know why. Why does this always happen?"

Iruka heard the hurt in Naruto's voice, and decided an answer wasn't necessary. He simply leaned in and hugged Naruto tight. After a long, comforting embrace from his gentle arms, the boy's shaking began to subside and his breathing became regular. Iruka let go and looked put his hand on the blonde's head, responding to Naruto's earlier question.

"I don't know about that, Naruto. There are a lot of people in this village who care about you. I think you'd be surprised to know how many. I care about you more than you'll ever know. You are like a little brother to me, and I am so proud to call you my friend. Like you, I don't have a family, so you are the closest thing I've ever come to having a real family. I missed you so badly when you left. You have no idea. I love being around you. You inspire me to try my hardest to be the best I can be… there are so many things I could say… and I'm sorry I never said them before now. I guess I'm not very good at that. I don't think many ninjas are."

Naruto was shocked at these words. Iruka had never told him how he felt before. He really loved him? He inspired him. For the last time that night tears flowed from Naruto's eyes. But these were not tears of sadness. They were tears of balm and of joy.


	6. Chapter 6

After talking with Iruka, Naruto went home and slept soundly, falling asleep with the comforting thoughts of his former teacher's words. He was loved, and he had someone he could truly love back.

Iruka ran into Sakura and Kakashi and related a little of his conversation with the blonde, without betraying what he thought Naruto might have said privately.

Kakashi and Sakura both were saddened to hear that Naruto felt abandoned by his friends, and they both decided to do what they could to show him they really did care for him.

"I guess you have to tell someone you love them, as well as showing it, so they know for sure how you feel" Sakura said. Kakashi agreed.

In the morning, Naruto woke up to bright light. He was so tired that he'd slept in until 10:30. Sitting up, he heard the source of his wake up call: Knocking at his door.

Thinking it was probably Iruka, he called out "Come in!"

Sakura opened the door to see Naruto still in bed, and in his pajamas.

"Did I wake you up?" she asked, embarrassed.

"Oh! I'm sorry Sakura" Naruto said, his cheeks reddening. "I thought you were Iruka. Yes. I just got up. Do you want to go outside for a moment while I change? I'll be right out."

"Yeah. Good idea." Sakura responded, awkwardly turning around to go wait outside.

After dressing quickly, and running his hands through his hair to tame the bright blonde masses, Naruto walked outside.

"So what's up?" He said, nonchalantly as he leaned against the railing outside of his apartment and looked at Sakura.

"Naruto…" Sakura began, not knowing where to start. She could've kicked herself for not planning what she would say better.

"Naruto, I wanted to say I'm sorry."

Naruto looked at her quizzically as if searching for a reply, but before he could say anything, she continued.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry for not telling you that I care about you. When I was a kid, I was really obsessed with Sasuke. I had a huge crush on him, and I ended up ignoring you… I asked you to find him and bring him back…. I put such a burden on you, and I never thanked you for trying. I really care about Sasuke, but I also really care about you."

Naruto's eyes widened a little, as she continued.

"I didn't know how much I loved your personality, and the way you always make things fun until you left with Jiraiya. I missed you a lot those three years. And when you came back I still didn't tell you how important you are to me. You are one of my best friends. You and Ino are the two people closest to me. I think you care about me more than anybody but my parents…. I want you to know I care about you too."

Naruto just stared in stunned silence, his mouth slightly open in surprise. He had long since given up his crush on Sakura, but he always hoped she might care for him as a friend. Now she was telling him she did. He couldn't speak.

Sakura interpreted the emotion in his face and began talking again to fill the awkward silence.

"Iruka told me you are really missing Jiraiya- Sama. I can't imagine what that's like for you. I want you to know that I'm here for you."

Naruto took a deep breath and dared to ask a brave question.

"Sakura, could I have a hug? I've always wanted to hug you, but was afraid to ask."

She paused for a moment, not knowing how to proceed, but then she let all her inhibitions go, simply throwing her arms around the blonde and gently hugging him for a few blissful moments. Both friends sighed with contentment.

Naruto sadness about Jiraiya's death was lessened with knowing he had good friends who cared about him. Now he understood that he wasn't alone, his life felt full again. Fuller than it ever felt before.

Author's note:

It took Kakashi a while to confess his feelings to Naruto. He had many issues of friendship and love to work out, and so while he cared about Naruto, he could not immediately share his affection with the blonde. He did, however, visit Naruto and tell him he was there for him whenever he needed him, and Naruto could tell from the way Kakashi said it that he cared for him.


End file.
